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[25 Aug 2006|01:45pm]
I should change my journal to Dead Journal.. cause I never post.. and it's pretty dead here.. huh? It would probably help my whirlwind of constantly changing emotions to get them out somewhere.

Looks like it's time for that yearly post again folks! Reporting to you LIVE from Brisbane Australia! Yep that's right.. I moved clear across the world this time! When will it ever stop? XD I am still with Grant ^^ I suppose I should post some images of us.. I'll take them off my camera soonish.

I have to say Australia is pretty and all.. but I hate being here..
Mostly because I had everything I ever dreamed of and worked hard for in the states..
(full house of anime and wall scrolls.. figuringes.. gaming materials.. and furniture)
and I don't have any of that here.. Thank god I brought my PC.

I also can't use things like my Game boy or PSP.. because my chargers won't plug in here.. and you can;t simply use an adapter to change the plug. I'd have to buy a sort of converter.. and the one's we've seen have been really expensive.. and I don;t trust ebay too much for electronics.

Speaking of electronics.. Australia is WAY BEHIND. On game releases.. and current technology.. Dirge of Cereberus isn;t even in their computers for release yet.. please shoot me. I can;t imagine that Burning Crusade expansion for WoW.. will likely take ages as well. And they don;t have the Larger Hard Drived XBOX 360 available here either!

As far as networking.. they are only JUST getting to the 108 mops crap.. and in the US we're lightyears past already.. and it all costs an arm and a leg here.

somehow.. this happy entry turned into a rant..

The houses do not come with any appliances at all.. this includes refrigerators..
They have not embraced the technology of central air and heat here yet..

However the fashion scene is much nicer, and I've exchanged my many non english speaking mexican people, for well bred hot asians. Not to say that I didn't have plenty of crazy mexican friends back in texas ^^

I miss Tide Detergent, My large CRT monitors, being able to drive.. hearing people speak correctly.. the washing machines.. the anime conventions all near by and all year round..
and last but not least my friends.

3 comments|post comment

omg cute! [06 Aug 2005|11:30am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Daily couples love (by Astrology.com)
If you and your sundried raisin are feeling sun-baked, squishy and sweet, because, well, you are. And it's really healthy, what you two have got cooking. Mm! You could turn it into oatmeal cookies!

6 comments|post comment

still awake. [31 Jul 2005|07:21am]
Random Comic Generator v2.0 by Delya
Paper or plastic?
panel 1
panel 2
panel 3
Quiz created with MemeGen!
4 comments|post comment

Kink! [31 Jul 2005|06:18am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Pretty kinky!
Grats! You're 78% kinky!
You kinkscore is pretty high. Most likely you're up for trying anything at least once, which show open-mindedness. You're probably a great lay, so just keep doing that thing you do!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 84% on kinkpoints
Link: The Kinkyness Test written by nilnisicruce on OkCupid Free Online Dating
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Manic [31 Jul 2005|05:21am]
If anyone reads this.. leave a note.

Zoran.. more than anyone.. I want you to read this.

I thought of this as I sat naked in the bathtub with water dripping from my lashes..
holding the shower head in my hand.. and thinking of how fat i was still after 7 years.
I am losing weight now once again but only because of the mood stabilizers the psychiatrist
put me on. I move to the side as I watch the water drain.. and watch a flood of water pass
by my huge hips.. they block the water entirely.. it makes me sick still. I had one hand
with the fingers over the small drain so it wasnt so loud because there is a man sleeping in my bed.
He is here from Australia. I borrowed 1800.00 from my mother to get him here.
Manic. Hypo manic the doctor says.

I paid 300 more for the flight from LA to Austin.. because his plane only went from brisbane to LA.

I love him. My daughter calls him Daddy. I will be 25 in 2 weeks.. and I cant sleep.

I thinks its close to 5 am.. but I am not sure.. I dont smoke as much weed since he got here..
He doesnt like the smell of it.. But then again.. I dont like the smell of his cigarettes..
He smokes outside.. I toke inside.. Is that fair.

My doctor says I am manic.

He tells me I need to lose weight. He says Atkins is 'The Way.'

I don't want it. I like spinach too much.

And I wonder if anyone will read this.

I wonder if anyone misses me.. or knows I am about to cry when I say that.. as I tear up right now
and think of everyone in Arizona I miss dearly.. especially Zoran.. that always cared..
He always was there. I treasure my dreamcast. I'm Crying now. I need a minute.

I'm all alone here. Or is that everywhere I go? I did it on purpose here though.. because I was scared..
I knew better about this place.. Mom didn't though.. and she is suffering now.

Her husband finally died.. and her whole community is against her.. because she made the mistake of making friends.
They are all a buzz about 'The evil younger woman that wanted to take the old man for all he had' and they shun her.

My daughter is suffering badly from the relationship my mother created between that old man and my child.
Aingelle keeps asking.. 'When is Wrandpa coming back from heaven?' as she hysterically cries for a few moments..
then she gets distracted.. they say she is ADHD bipolar like me.. Manic..

I deal with all this.. with my new boyfriend at my side.. which is still very close to being alone.
He is wonderful. ANother one of 'Those' I met on a game, and have known a few years. (about 4-5) never considered
dating him really.. I thought him to be out of my league.. he is by far the most attractive yet. Looks like a
Calvin Klein model.. I kid you not. He is a Certified Diver, and Australian Surfer, Snow Boards, Golfs..
was the only Australian to make it on the Swedish National Soccer team.. Extreme Sports.. you name it..
..But in the end.. a really sexy gamer boy.. and a Saggitarius. December 20th bday. 22 now. Yes, younger than me..
As usual. Have to have one that can keep up with my libido.. and he border lines not being able to.. but does the best
of anyone yet.. I am difficult to satisfy. I will most likely marry him. He can disarm my temper.. calm my manic
episodes.. catches almost every tear.. handles Aingelle oh so well.. It's amazing really.. only time will tell..

I cant even begin to say how many men i thought i would marry.. I am so fucking delusional at times.. I hope this is
not one of those incidents.. but I feel really grounded this time for some reason.. Maybe cause I am getting old.

I went to nebraska a few months back.. and met Matt. I dont know if any of you know who that is.
He was everything I dreamed. I had to meet him before I could move on with my life. He was the one
that picked up the pieces after everyone that ever fucked me over.. after Anthony.. and after Jesse..
and after the people I fucked over.. he was ever a person that I fucked over at one time. It was a
great trip. Like a little wonderland.. but only a dream. He never returned my calls after I left.
I wonder if he is alive. I think I was too much for him. But I will always have a special love for him.
He got me through a lot. Made me a better stronger person.. and kept me alive. I would be gone.. I know it.
Matt bought me a ring while I was there. But since he never called me.. I took it off. I think he never
called me because he wanted me to forget. But I never will. Matt was always that way.
I think he wants to be alone always. He has always been so afraid. It's a shame. I have so much love to give.

I also managed to get past Johnny. But I love him always as a friend. we have something special too.
I wear Johnny's ring still.

I want to mention Forest. I just don't know what to say. I am just thankful for him.

So.. I think with all those things cleared.. I was ready for Grant finally. (The newest from Aus)
I am wearing Grant's ring on my wedding finger. I cant believe mom gave me 1800 to bring grant here..
it blew my mind. He started work the 3rd day he was here.. and he works hard everyday. He isnt lazy..
He takes great care of us. He pays the bills.. and is helping pay off mom the money for him coming..

you know.. i just realized as i sit here.. i feel sick to my stomach i feel a need to spy on grant
i can thank anthony for that. (thanks!!! if you still have me as a friend.) I want his MSN password
I want to read his conversations. ..... Should I feel shame? I know his PWs are numeric..
I know he doesnt tell anyone about me.. and all his friends are female.. he says he likes to keep
this part of his life to himself.. his parents dont even know about me..

this is the dark side of my relaitonship.. his parents are supposedly ridiculously conservative..
my hair is pink.. as usual.. they think he moved to the USA to work.. and they didnt really approve..
and they know i paid for it.. and they i put him up with a place to live.. he is pretty sure they know
he has some 'girl' since he usually is always caught with one by them.. considering how attractive he is..
............ god this is hard for me.. so i am tempted to spy.. but he is such a genuine guy, and he loves me..
he flaunts me.. he evil eyes every man that looks at me.. pays so much attention to me.. there is no reason for me
to believe he is insincere.. i know he loves me.. and i know.. i just know.. what i would find would be painful.

he and i are just alike when it comes to 'online' we are the 'player' type.. and i am ok with that.. but i dont
want to see it happen.. but i also dont want to be a secret.. does that make sense?? like.. i play ffxi.. and all my chars
have husbands.. and i flirt and have fun.. but all of them know i have a RL BF i love a lot! and i flaunt him! but.. NO ONE
not one person grant talks to.. i mean he never mentions me.. or how he loves me.. it flips me out.. it makes me want to know
what he talks about.. and he said something to me about that i shouldnt read his email because its explicit and would embarass him?
that makes me more curious >< and what could be more explicit than what you do in bed with your real lover? I mean really?

I should have just emailed this entry as a mail to zoran. ..i am only fishing for advice and feedback from him anyway.

i will leave this here.. i am sure this is a lot to take in. its a lot for me..

i love you and miss you Z. take care.. and sorry to bombard all you readers.
13 comments|post comment

[17 Jul 2004|10:38pm]
How to make a Mishele

3 parts jealousy

3 parts courage

1 part empathy
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

How to make a Kitty

5 parts intelligence

5 parts courage

3 parts energy
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little wisdom if desired!
4 comments|post comment

[17 Jul 2004|10:35pm]
How to make a Fushigi_koneko

5 parts success

3 parts brilliance

1 part ego
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Serve with a slice of wisdom and a pinch of salt. Yum!
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BTW, FFXI owns me. [08 May 2004|12:16pm]
Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a11
your best quality isyou can make anyone smile
your worst quality isyoure too nice to people
this is becauseyoure unique
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!
2 comments|post comment

Funny! [25 Mar 2004|09:05pm]
[ mood | amused ]

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Zang! Who is that, stalking across the wasteland! It is Kitty, hands clutching a meaty axe! And with a vengeful bellow, her voice cometh:

"For the love of beatings, no flesh shall be spared!!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Stalking along the steppes, cutting down all who dare stand in the way using a bladed baseball bat, cometh Fushigi_koneko! And she gives a cruel scream:

"I'm going to punch you until your mortal mind doth snap, and roll you in creamy neugut!!!"

Find out!
Enter username:
Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

2 comments|post comment

Yup, still waiting for you to cook for me. [23 Mar 2004|10:52am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Sweet Dreams
Sweet Dreams

You want people to see what is really going on. You
see what you see, and try to explain it, but it
seems everyone else is averting their eyes to
the truth.

What Tori Amos Song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 comment|post comment

Someone come and cook for me for once! [23 Mar 2004|09:12am]
[ mood | hungry ]

anime chick
You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

1 comment|post comment

o_O [23 Mar 2004|08:06am]
[ mood | calm ]


-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

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Ice Cream for Breakfast [22 Mar 2004|09:52am]
[ mood | amused ]

It seems to make an already really long day a little better when you can have ice cream for breakfast. Sometimes I feel sorry for small children not being able to decide for themselves what they can and can't eat, and when. I hardly ever follow any standard of eating, except that if I cook more than a one course meal. I usually have everyone sit at the table for the meal. I like cereal for dinner sometimes.. and other times I can eat a blueberry bagel with cream cheese everytime my tummy growls in a day. I have been trying to cut down on my starch intake though.. I guess after so many years of eating pasta, you just grow tired of it. I can make a wide array of kick ass pasta sauces though.

On a different note, I am still sick and Anthony (hiruke) just had a tooth pulled. I feel bad for him though he says it doesn't hurt yet. They did the proceedure in less than 30 minutes.. I was surprised at how they can just rip a tooth out, take your money,and tell you bye. I mean it took twice that long to get his prescriptions filled. It's retarded that insurance limits the places you can have your prescriptions filled at. It's not enough that you already pay them monthly for the coverage.. then they make you go out fo your way to figure out which places you can get your medicines at. We ended up going to 2 pharmacies. Not that I mind the drive, Anthony's car makes it seem fun I guess. I like to drive it.

Anyway it seems like he is waiting his turn to make fun of the trash someone left on their car wayyyy before we left today that is still there 2 hours later. It's as if they expect some good willed person to valet it over the dumptser for them. I sure miss apartments that actually do pick up your trash for you. We get charged for everything here; quite literally. I will go into that another time though. ^_^

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Depression is depressing. [20 Mar 2004|10:07pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Well, I bet this will come as no surprise to any of you.. but I went to the Dr. on Thursday. He made me fill out this short form, and apparently I am off the charts for the depression rating. They said 10 was depressed, my score was 23. You would think that when I submitted myself to emergency psychiatric care in January because I felt seriously suicidal that they could have deducted that then.. But what did they do.. They set me up with an appointment with a psychiatrist for diagnosis in April and gave me a series of unrelated appointments to keep in the mean time. If I missed any of those unrelated apoointments they told me my appointment with the Psychiatrist would be cancelled. The psychologist at the doctor's office I went to on Thur. had a good point when she asked, 'What are they trying to do? Thin out the population?!'

Call me crazy, but I found that being diagnosed with severe depression.. made me more depressed. It was when they pinpointed the depression that I realized maybe that is why I don't want to do anything anymore. My house has been dirty for like the first time ever.. and anytime Anthony (hiruke) wants to spend time with me and asks me what I want to do.. I just kind of stare blankly and can't really think of anything. When he makes offers of Anime watching and the like.. I still just kind of sit there. *sigh* I wish that I could go out somewhere and magically bump into all my friends the way he can. Most of my closest friends live in Houston. It's so dirty there I really never want to move back. It's a shame they have to be all grouped there. Why can't we all move to Arizona or the Virgin Islands or something.. How about Japan or California..

I have also been told to be less picky about whom I spend my time with.. but I just can't seem to be friends with people that don't respect my time, or care enough to give a phone call if they had to break our plans. Most people aren't into the sorts of things I like, and most geeks have a god complex, or are so geeky I can't stand to be seen with them. Unfortunately vanity is not beyond me since I am a Leo, and seem to like to maintain my appearances. Meaning if the person I hang around knows no ettiquette, it reflects badly on me. As for the rest of the population, I tend to not get along too well with most females, and I don't tolerate idiots well. I think that sums it up. I apparently am doomed to be lonely always, and it is apparently my own doing.

1 comment|post comment

Hell yeah. [18 Mar 2004|10:21pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Diplomatic Assassin
DIPLOMATIC ASSASSIN: What stealth is to the ninja,
subterfuge is to you. You could look a man in
the face and describe how beautiful his
daughter is as he ingests the poison you put in
his dinner.

Which Type of Assassin Are You? (With Anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

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Answered 100% honest. [18 Mar 2004|10:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Which Guilty Gear X character are you?
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Something about Johnny [11 Mar 2004|02:36pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Wow, I got a real dose of 'you don't know what you gave away, until it's gone' Johnny came up to Austin this weekend for a visit and it has to be the most theraputic experience I have had this year. It made me realize how much I miss my true friends.
I also really regret being such an indecisive bitch to him. The things I was letting get in the way of what apparently could have been very happy.. Don't really seem like such an issue now.. maybe I have grown up more.. Ah, glorious regret... All I can do now is miss him, and miss my other friends that I had a chance to grow extra close to.. try to stay optimistic and keep pressing forward. I hope time will shift things into my court. Until then.. if you are someone I fucked over in the last few years.. please accept my apologies, and I love you.

7 comments|post comment

E-mail notice. [11 Mar 2004|06:42am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

This is a notice to everyone. My e-mail hotaruandsilence@yahoo.com has changed due to password theft. The new address for now and ever shall be kitty@aweofshe.com. Please copy this to your records and email me so I can put you in my address book again since my previous book was lost with the account.

1 comment|post comment

In a lightning storm. [04 Mar 2004|04:24pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

When it rains.. storms.. pours.. and the electricity goes out..
We know it will come back on.. and we believe it will at some point. (provided the bill is paid to date) It is something we believe we can count on.. and it happens. Whether it is in a few hours.. seconds.. minutes.. It happens.

What if we were certain that the electricity would not come back on.. and we believed it wouldn't.. and everyone believed it wouldn't.. Do you think it would not?

Is Faith only based on what we can believe that is in all ways reasonable? What is hope..? Is it the candle we light while we sit in the dark and wait for the power to return?

When all our electronic distractions are gone.. and all that is left are people.. hearts and minds.. The glow of candles.. and we have to trust one another not to put out the flame..
What happens then?

Everytime I light a candle.. I search for something that will blow it out.. and I am left in the dark again. Alone. Someone lends me a match, I'll relight it.. but that uncontrollable gust of wind seems to sear through the smallest crevice I leave unwatched.

I was once a person of unshakable faith. Still, I try to hold on to hope, try to make it from day to day.. Try to protect myself from the wind the next moment may bring.. All I want is to be held on to in the dark.. for someone to stroke my hair and reassure me the lights will come back on.. that it wasn't me that made them go out..

But in the real world.. that means you need something to make it other than yourself.. and most of us know.. at least for me that is a dream.

-=In on the waterfront, she says
All she needs is therapy..
All you need is love, is all you need =-
~*Rattlesnakes - Tori Amos (Strange Little Girls [2001])*~

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Additives, No Preservatives. [14 Feb 2004|01:37pm]
[ mood | calm ]

1 comment|post comment

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