Kitty (fushigi_koneko) wrote,

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If anyone reads this.. leave a note.

Zoran.. more than anyone.. I want you to read this.

I thought of this as I sat naked in the bathtub with water dripping from my lashes..
holding the shower head in my hand.. and thinking of how fat i was still after 7 years.
I am losing weight now once again but only because of the mood stabilizers the psychiatrist
put me on. I move to the side as I watch the water drain.. and watch a flood of water pass
by my huge hips.. they block the water entirely.. it makes me sick still. I had one hand
with the fingers over the small drain so it wasnt so loud because there is a man sleeping in my bed.
He is here from Australia. I borrowed 1800.00 from my mother to get him here.
Manic. Hypo manic the doctor says.

I paid 300 more for the flight from LA to Austin.. because his plane only went from brisbane to LA.

I love him. My daughter calls him Daddy. I will be 25 in 2 weeks.. and I cant sleep.

I thinks its close to 5 am.. but I am not sure.. I dont smoke as much weed since he got here..
He doesnt like the smell of it.. But then again.. I dont like the smell of his cigarettes..
He smokes outside.. I toke inside.. Is that fair.

My doctor says I am manic.

He tells me I need to lose weight. He says Atkins is 'The Way.'

I don't want it. I like spinach too much.

And I wonder if anyone will read this.

I wonder if anyone misses me.. or knows I am about to cry when I say that.. as I tear up right now
and think of everyone in Arizona I miss dearly.. especially Zoran.. that always cared..
He always was there. I treasure my dreamcast. I'm Crying now. I need a minute.

I'm all alone here. Or is that everywhere I go? I did it on purpose here though.. because I was scared..
I knew better about this place.. Mom didn't though.. and she is suffering now.

Her husband finally died.. and her whole community is against her.. because she made the mistake of making friends.
They are all a buzz about 'The evil younger woman that wanted to take the old man for all he had' and they shun her.

My daughter is suffering badly from the relationship my mother created between that old man and my child.
Aingelle keeps asking.. 'When is Wrandpa coming back from heaven?' as she hysterically cries for a few moments..
then she gets distracted.. they say she is ADHD bipolar like me.. Manic..

I deal with all this.. with my new boyfriend at my side.. which is still very close to being alone.
He is wonderful. ANother one of 'Those' I met on a game, and have known a few years. (about 4-5) never considered
dating him really.. I thought him to be out of my league.. he is by far the most attractive yet. Looks like a
Calvin Klein model.. I kid you not. He is a Certified Diver, and Australian Surfer, Snow Boards, Golfs..
was the only Australian to make it on the Swedish National Soccer team.. Extreme Sports.. you name it..
..But in the end.. a really sexy gamer boy.. and a Saggitarius. December 20th bday. 22 now. Yes, younger than me..
As usual. Have to have one that can keep up with my libido.. and he border lines not being able to.. but does the best
of anyone yet.. I am difficult to satisfy. I will most likely marry him. He can disarm my temper.. calm my manic
episodes.. catches almost every tear.. handles Aingelle oh so well.. It's amazing really.. only time will tell..

I cant even begin to say how many men i thought i would marry.. I am so fucking delusional at times.. I hope this is
not one of those incidents.. but I feel really grounded this time for some reason.. Maybe cause I am getting old.

I went to nebraska a few months back.. and met Matt. I dont know if any of you know who that is.
He was everything I dreamed. I had to meet him before I could move on with my life. He was the one
that picked up the pieces after everyone that ever fucked me over.. after Anthony.. and after Jesse..
and after the people I fucked over.. he was ever a person that I fucked over at one time. It was a
great trip. Like a little wonderland.. but only a dream. He never returned my calls after I left.
I wonder if he is alive. I think I was too much for him. But I will always have a special love for him.
He got me through a lot. Made me a better stronger person.. and kept me alive. I would be gone.. I know it.
Matt bought me a ring while I was there. But since he never called me.. I took it off. I think he never
called me because he wanted me to forget. But I never will. Matt was always that way.
I think he wants to be alone always. He has always been so afraid. It's a shame. I have so much love to give.

I also managed to get past Johnny. But I love him always as a friend. we have something special too.
I wear Johnny's ring still.

I want to mention Forest. I just don't know what to say. I am just thankful for him.

So.. I think with all those things cleared.. I was ready for Grant finally. (The newest from Aus)
I am wearing Grant's ring on my wedding finger. I cant believe mom gave me 1800 to bring grant here..
it blew my mind. He started work the 3rd day he was here.. and he works hard everyday. He isnt lazy..
He takes great care of us. He pays the bills.. and is helping pay off mom the money for him coming..

you know.. i just realized as i sit here.. i feel sick to my stomach i feel a need to spy on grant
i can thank anthony for that. (thanks!!! if you still have me as a friend.) I want his MSN password
I want to read his conversations. ..... Should I feel shame? I know his PWs are numeric..
I know he doesnt tell anyone about me.. and all his friends are female.. he says he likes to keep
this part of his life to himself.. his parents dont even know about me..

this is the dark side of my relaitonship.. his parents are supposedly ridiculously conservative..
my hair is pink.. as usual.. they think he moved to the USA to work.. and they didnt really approve..
and they know i paid for it.. and they i put him up with a place to live.. he is pretty sure they know
he has some 'girl' since he usually is always caught with one by them.. considering how attractive he is..
............ god this is hard for me.. so i am tempted to spy.. but he is such a genuine guy, and he loves me..
he flaunts me.. he evil eyes every man that looks at me.. pays so much attention to me.. there is no reason for me
to believe he is insincere.. i know he loves me.. and i know.. i just know.. what i would find would be painful.

he and i are just alike when it comes to 'online' we are the 'player' type.. and i am ok with that.. but i dont
want to see it happen.. but i also dont want to be a secret.. does that make sense?? like.. i play ffxi.. and all my chars
have husbands.. and i flirt and have fun.. but all of them know i have a RL BF i love a lot! and i flaunt him! but.. NO ONE
not one person grant talks to.. i mean he never mentions me.. or how he loves me.. it flips me out.. it makes me want to know
what he talks about.. and he said something to me about that i shouldnt read his email because its explicit and would embarass him?
that makes me more curious >< and what could be more explicit than what you do in bed with your real lover? I mean really?

I should have just emailed this entry as a mail to zoran. ..i am only fishing for advice and feedback from him anyway.

i will leave this here.. i am sure this is a lot to take in. its a lot for me..

i love you and miss you Z. take care.. and sorry to bombard all you readers.
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